Tuesday, August 29, 2000

i want to just say "just don't feel" and then have it happen...

imagine that you are an experimenter, and you've got this little rat that you found, and to whom you've grown rather attached. he's doing his little routine, winning pellets or whatever, and the last thing he has to do is run a little race through a maze. your job is, when he rounds the corner, to hit him square in the nose with a ball peen hammer. right before he starts the little maze, he looks up and thanks you for the lovely pellets and compliments you on the design of the experiment so far. augh. :(

"undermined" is the only thing that was really going through my head. maybe that leg really is broken, and maybe the horse *should* be taken out and shot... maybe it should've happened a long time ago.
what would happen if two things you really trusted in your life, things you could always count on, came into opposition? you have nothing to look to; others' perceptions of your own behavior that you used to trust (as you believe mirrors reflect accurately the face that you cannot see with your own eyes) are now telling you things you do not agree with, and things that conflict; but you might just be lost in your own perspective. new things are being told, from new perspectives. how wrong or right could they possibly be? how do you decide? how do you know how to decide?
"just wait," you tell yourself. soon enough, soon enough you can break the ties of any control at all... you won't have to decide whom to trust, because you won't *need* to trust anyone. outside perspectives will never again hold the weight that they do right now.
but the motives, they're what's really bothering you. why? why are they saying this, doing this, how could they possibly understand?
they have theories about me. the constant is my judgement. but they can't fit seemingly contradictory evidence into the equation without disbarring my judgement. why not? is my incorrectness so obvious to anybody but me?

but these untimely curveballs. these crowbars to the poor horse's knee. i wonder if they'll look down and see the crowbar in their hands, or only see the knee. crumpled.

Tuesday, August 22, 2000

*ugh*. to disappear...

Monday, August 21, 2000

now... now i don't know. things in my life have been absolutely crazy since January 1st, 2000. today was calm. i'd really just love to spend 24 hours *completely alone,* meaning no human contact, and no remote communication.
i'm going to be moving into a new journal soon. i'm not sure that i like at all the one i'm finishing up, but there's always the next one. whenever i change, i try to visualize how much better that one will be than the last. i mean it this time.
what to say, what to say... i dunno. i just don't want to communicate, not about anything important or with anyone that i know.

Sunday, August 20, 2000

what?
oh. god. please. stop.

i cannot take any more of this. if only, i know... if only i cut off what could be the best, creatively speaking, the best relationship i've ever had, if only that, then everything would be fine. everything would go back to normal here.

i know what's right. they both are. they're both outside me, and they're both pulling on me, and something has to give. it might end up being me.

control? that's the magic word of the week, isn't it? i'm going insane. i can't handle this. and tomorrow it'll just fucking be something else. i've never felt so strongly in my life that i was hiding something, lying to anyone who chose to interpret my expression at face value. i'm tired of this.
what do i want? there's a question! i want everyone to just fucking get along, that's what i fucking want. where's the greatest point of resistance for that? guess i have to find it and break it, don't i?
i just really want to find my glasses then go to sleep.

Saturday, August 19, 2000

man. it's all so hard sometimes... but i'm, we're, trying so hard, too. so it should be okay, or at least as good as it can be.
i am never going to be able to rise tomorrow morning.

Friday, August 18, 2000

oh... i was worried... and in a bad bad mood all day. but i got paid and an e-mail. (the e-mail was better.) :) but i haven't eaten all day and i'm *starving*.
i just want to see and hear *grin* "yeaaah..." i just want to interact. miss the interaction, miss the mind. missed it already, now i have to miss it in the "i might never get to see it again" sense. and i'm not not not happy about that. make the first move? *sigh*. relationship chess.
Today had to have been one of the single worst (insert expletive of choice here) days of my (expletive-expletive) life. Expletive. You know your favorite Old Guy who comes into the store all the time, or at least he did before? He's dying. You know the grease that's built up for over a year under the grill that's used for 7 hours a day 6 days a week? You get to scrape it all up and get rid of it. You know how you've had a/an (expletive) day already, but that doesn't prevent your company from being in your house? Shower and entertain them. You know how wearing pajamas in front of people gives you that chronic, sick, dirty, disgusting feeling? Do it anyway. You know that beautiful thunderstorm outside? Ignore it, because you have to scoop this grease. Ignore it, because you have to not crash into any of the other cars on the road. Ignore it, because you have to play this stupid party game. You know one of your best friends who wants to hang out because, you figure, she hasn't heard the truth that would make her hate you, or at least really really pissed at you, from your other best friend? You can't hang out - you have company! You know that One who loves you and whom you love, but who, when One says "So-and-so is trying to control your life," One really means "I want to control your life and will be mad at you if you won't let me," but whom you love and want to be with anyway because the good far outweighs the bad? Call that One, discuss all the respective bad news about the families and life in general, then break up. You know how you would give a kidney or two for the phone to ring within the next minute or so? Put away the scalpel, because it won't. It didn't. You know all that coke you drank about an hour ago? You're going to have to pee again at 5 in the morning. (Idiot.) You know all that stuff you were going to do with the One? Forget it. No, really, just forget it. Cry. A lot. Get a headache of the type that you always get after you cry, which itself happens about every 3 years. You know how good sleep feels tonight? Get up at 5 to pee.

Wednesday, August 16, 2000

I helped my parents unload groceries last night. Holy cow. In case of a massive power failure or nuclear holocaust or some huge thing like that, y'all are invited to my house. BYO battery-powered microwave and can opener.

Tuesday, August 15, 2000

bah.
::and another thing::

the WalMart entry on my non-anonymous blog has led me to the desire to run away with The One to the woods and never teach our kids about McDonalds or cable TV or this entire lousy world.

All Over The Place Today... i'm an avid keeper of journals... handwritten, bound up in a nice beaten up Mead Composition Book... i use the quadrille (graph paper-ish) kind, because all they seem to send to indiana is the wide-ruled kind otherwise. (my already-tiny handwriting is dwarfed considerably with wide-rule paper.) it's not just that i love to write - i do - but i have to. i've been writing in Mead Composition books for the last 5 years of my life. i would be locked up in a mental institution if i didn't have these journals...

my grandfather died on august 5th. my family has extraordinarily bad luck in august. every year it's something new and the old problems get worse. i had been looking for a navy blue 'do-rag for a while... hadn't been able to find one that i wanted. when my grandfather died, we went through all his stuff at my grandmother's request. she wanted everything gone. so i got 5 of his handkerchiefs (sic? that word knocked me out of the 4th grade spelling bee). i also kept a couple of his shirts. they smell like him. i'm wearing one of the navy handkerchiefs now... i have this mane of curly hair, and i like how it looks spilling from under the 'do-rag. i catch glimpses of myself in the glass fireplace doors. wearing it feels kind of weird though... i never would have worn his handkerchief while he was alive. it just wouldn't have happened.

my dad and i dropped all the stuff that no other family members wanted off at goodwill. 6 paper bags piled around a trailer in the Kroger parking lot.

i've been following links from the blogger page, looking at people's blogs. i wonder if anyone will randomly see mine as i have seen theirs.

earlier today: "look at my face." "wha...? why? what?" "look at it." "what? what's going on? is something wrong?" i don't think they realized how much that freaked me out.

i haven't written to My One. or called. there's too much to say, and i wouldn't know where to start, or how, or if i even could. i'm now deserving of pity, i guess, or whatever. i'm entitled to feel Bad, and Scared, and Need Someone To Talk To. here again comes the Being Detached, and i... it's not really pulling back, because that would require being closer in the first place, and i'm definitely not. but i look at everything from so far away, and see the connections and the relationships and realize how things might unravel because these are Tough Times and i would be Allowed to go a Little Crazy.
i don't *want* to go a little crazy. because i'd know exactly what was going on - i'm too far outside. why can't i just experience things from down within them, instead of from the point of view of some outside eyes? is going crazy but realizing that you're going crazy really going so at all?

oh, to fast-forward through the rest of this... why is it not september yet?

and the almost unconsidered: oh dear gOd, what if it *is* terribly serious?

Monday, August 14, 2000

grr... *hiss*... i spit venom at the world. i wish i had fangs sometimes...

august isn't even half over (august is the month of evil, if you didn't know) and already someone has died and now my father has a medical problem. he thinks it's not terribly serious (and yes, he would know) but i remember when i tore my ACL... they told me at first that my kneecap had just popped out of place but had popped right back in. not so.

with anonymity comes freedom.
i want to be anonymous, because those who know me can do nothing but frown upon me for two reasons. those reasons are completely opposed, and neither reason is my fault. the reasons?

1) I Haven't Dropped the One for the Other.
2) I Haven't Dropped the Other for the One.

i am damn sick of being torn between two. it's always two, with one rotating out but a new one always taking the place. do people really think that i would even be with someone who was like they seem to snap judge that this person is? IT'S PISSING ME OFF. grrr.

it's funny how IM's emoticons can add this entire dimension that i'm just not feeling, and that kind of frustrates me to no end when i type it. feels like i'm lying. i kind of am.

i'm growing incredibly frustrated with *everyone* around me. it's so damn easy to just toss this entire relationship off. they're not inside it, they couldn't possibly understand. the worst part is, though, that they don't even care to try. so it's making me completely hostile to everyone. family, friends, and The Other.

provided that you actually find this site, and provided that you don't immediately shudder and hit the "back" button on your browser, and provided that you actually click the functional hack link for more of this nonsense, you might notice that my blogs look incredibly similar. you're on to the fact that my blog reprotoire is quite limited (and also maybe that I don't know how to spell "reprotoire".)
nobody who i actually know knows about this blog. it's my place of peace, and venting...